Navigating the Divide: Desire, Complacency, and Mental Illness

MJ Wynn
Jul 3, 2024
4 min read

Updated: May 10

I'm sitting at work right now, and the idea just sort of struck me. I love my job; it's chill, and I get to do exactly this—nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but my work duties are very minimal and only take me about one hour of the four I actually work.

Which brings me to today's topic.

This job is comfortable, but it's not enough to get by.

I'm exposing myself here a bit, but I've pretty much been relying on the government to get by for the past decade. Time really slips by without you realizing, doesn't it? I was scrooling— scrooling?

Bitch, I’m not even on my PC—I’m on my laptop, which, let’s be real, doesn't have much bigger keys than my keyboard anyway. Maybe I should just compare sizes? 🤔

ANYWAY!

So I was scrolling through my Facebook memories a couple of weeks ago and stumbled upon an old post where I was venting about the government criming me over something back then.

This was 8 years ago.

To say I was gagged was an understatement. And not in the way I'd want to be gagged either. Sigh.

Not long after that trip down memory lane, a very close friend of mine landed a new job that would, arguably, be better than both of the jobs she was juggling. She’s only gotten one paycheck, and it's significantly more than she was making at both jobs combined.

This got me thinking about what I’m doing right now, which honestly, doesn’t amount to much. I've got a bunch of dead-end hobbies, half a dozen unedited vlogs sitting on my $100 hard drive that I bought specifically for vlogs. Not to mention the $400 of equipment I bought at the beginning of the year and have used maybe twice. (Totally worth the investment regardless!)

I’m stubborn. Even if I drop a hobby, there's a high (haha, high) chance I’ll come back around to it eventually. Vlogging and content creation is something I’ve wanted to do since I was a teenager. Although I know it’s not the most stable career path. (I almost want to say "especially at my age," but I’m only 33 and I’m not counting myself out of the game yet.)

I've taken a few swings at college—three, to be exact.

And each time, I swung and missed.

(is it just me or is it so millennial of me to add gifs??)

Maybe I just haven't found my groove yet. But lately, with the world spinning the way it is, I can't help but wonder: is it worth chasing after something long-term when retirement feels like a myth and buying a house seems like a distant dream?

Maybe that's just my inner cynic talking.

In the midst of all this uncertainty, I've found myself settling into a strange kind of comfort. It's unsettling, really. How did I end up here? And more importantly, how do I break free? I've somehow slipped into a cozy rut where I peek my head above the surface briefly, only to be pulled back down by life's waves or my own mental tides.

Over the past couple of years, I've faced some tough blows in my friendships—curiously, right around the times I've tried to pivot and steer my life back on course. (Funny how that happens, huh?)

I know there are choices in all of this, too. The choice to skip a shower or to neglect my self-care rituals—it all adds up.

...

Ah, the joys of life's unexpected twists! Just experienced a classic "Oops! We Ran Into A Problem! REFRESH" moment. Can you believe it—REFRESH?!

Luckily, the auto-save feature here saved about 90% of my work. Lesson learned: from now on, that 'save' button is my new best friend. Because, you know, customers always keep us on our toes!

Well, thanks to that unplanned interruption (a word I hate spelling with all my being), the trauma of nearly losing this entire blog post totally derailed my thought process. I can’t even remember what I wrote that got lost during the refresh. Man, I was on a roll too!

After scrolling up and getting re-inspired, it’s clear there’s so much I want to accomplish. Maybe it’s the Capricorn in me—lots of aspirations, sometimes lacking the motivation. Speaking of which, I just finished "Atomic Habits," and it blew my mind. Turns out, motivation isn’t the be-all and end-all we’ve been led to believe. It’s about the process, sure, but motivation isn’t limitless.

(Check out "Atomic Habits" for more on this. Here's a sneak peek:)

-"The Goldilocks Rule states that humans experience peak motivation when working on tasks that are right on the edge of their current abilities. Not too hard. Not too easy. Just right."

-"When you're starting a new habit, it's important to keep the behavior as easy as possible so you can stick with it even when conditions aren't perfect."

-Atomic Habits by James Clear

TMI;

Ever feel like that porcelain throne is beckoning your name, especially when the bloat hits? And like I said— motivation isn't a bottomless well. But hey, I'm feeling pretty chuffed about what I've penned down here. Remember, even the tiniest step forward beats standing still. Cheers to progress, no matter how incremental!

🌷 Signed, MJ